Ugh...Am I that old really?

Home Articles & Rants Ugh...Am I that old really?
This Article Is Brought To You By : Give Praise Records
Written By: Rene
Jul 30 2012

Note: been busy lately, pumped this one out, felt the burning itch to do it...could be inspiration, but may be something worse which requires antibiotics...either way, forgive any time to proofread this evening...enjoy my little rant.

When I was a kid, I remember seeing a Cadillac commercial on television with a pair of aging yuppies grinning stupidly from ear to ear as they drove down some country road, enjoying their false sense of accomplishment while a pitch man was stating how luxurious the vehicle drove and how faultlessly it handled each curve...there was music playing in the background, music which added a touch of youthful vigor to the couple's experience; a youthful vigor, which I realized almost immediately, was of a time when both were unhindered by materialism and their futures were burdened only with the hopes and dreams that one has when life is new, before life's little unpleasant surprises begin to wear you down by adding a line here and there while handing you a folded piece of paper reminding you of your perpetual indentured servitude to a piece of fucking plastic and a corrupt financial institution.

After regarding what I had just seen for a moment, I came to the ungodly horrific understanding that the commercial itself was a harsh indication that the targeted generation was reflected, not in the gray hair of the people driving the Caddie, but, rather, in the musical choice which some marketing firm chose. It was then I understood that the moment which you could mark your age in American culture was not so much by the passing of months and years but whether or not your favorite tune from your teenage years appeared in a commercial selling products to a targeted "older" audience.

I chuckled, for the mighty Zep was not of my generation, I'm an Xer, no it was for those who came before, the Boomers...but I knew, somewhere in the back on my mind, that awful truth would one day present itself to me; there in the stark and unforgiving glow of the boob tube, my time would come. I lived my life how I wanted, did what I wanted and never played by society's rules and I felt that I had found a certain "fountain of youth" by disregarding certain things expected of me...but society sometimes has a way of getting back at you. Apart from other things going on in my life which has forced me to make a severe detour, I have never felt as aged as perhaps some of my contemporaries...hell, I write for this site, enjoy the same music I've always like,d and look forward to teaching my boy how to skate (well, at least roll from point A to point B); but with my recent return to America, the culture has greeted me with a nasty little reminder from the creative snake oil salesmen of Madison Ave...that I am progressively getting old and they have been waiting for me in the wings to pitch me their latest product.

What might be the product you say? Viagra? CERTAINLY NOT! And that goes for that bullshit Androgel too! Geezus H Christ, what does that shit do exactly anyway? turn a dude into a out of control Samsquanch with a libido which only matches its "Roid Rage"? Rogain? Wrong again, I have a full head of hair and no bald spots or receding hairline...besides even if I was losing my hair, I'd at least have a pair to shave my head and not pull a Donald Trump comb-over of Napoleonic complex fed denial... No ladies and gentlemen, what they are trying to sell me is a damned ass car! Now, I tried to find the particular commercial on our local culture and arts channel, YouTube, but I stumbled across something which is even older...I couldn't believe it, this is nothing new, it's happened before and with the same band! Actually, the older commercial I found to be both hideously vile and, yet, mesmerizing at the same time...the marketers had me drooling over this wicked little mini-van; the Honda Odyssey! (Please note, I say this in jest of course)

Remember, I've been out of the U.S. most of my life, shit after losing my pad in the Loma Prieta quake, there wasn't much to do except go from friend's couch to friend's couch chasing the swell up and down the West Coast...that was until I decided to just go for it and see what the world had to half the shit you see in the States and Europe I've never even knew existed.

Yes, the aforementioned older commercial said it all, a defeated man walks out of a store carrying a bag of groceries, his life is obviously not what he expected, suburbia owns his soul and the days of wearing spiked leather wristbands and shouting with joyousness to the shredding leads from his favorite band in his youth have long faded into the past only to be replaced by a complacency placed upon him by society's rules...yes, friends here is a man who has gone to jail and has no get out of jail free card...a man who has to waste away as others snap up Park Place or is raising tenements for Section 8 residents on Baltic Avenue...ah, we've all been in his shoes at one time or another. But, wait! There, before him, a fire blazes...and there it 'tis; the mini-van which promises all...the door opens and beckons him to enter, a Marshal amp is in the back...rock star fantasies flash through his's spacious, it's got a television console (not included in basic package ask your local dealer for details) which shows his earlier allegiance to the beast....the word "redemption" is seen on the navigation panel...and what is the music which is luring the viewer to this so very outstanding piece of materialistic nonsense? "The Hellion" by Judas Priest! God fuckn' DAMMIT! I could take it when Crue did a commercial, but Priest? What the fuck man, am I really that old? Phuck, I guess I am...but, I certainly don't feel it. Of course, the ol' JP has been selling shit from back in the day, but the product line wuz a bit more "youth" orientated...

I guess I will face the inevitable when Black Flag's TV Party is playing in the background of the following commercial...

♪ We've got nothing better to do
Than watch T.V. and have a couple of brews ♫

"Gee, Mike, I've had some serious problems since I broke my hip at the D.R.I. concert"

♪ All our friends are gonna hang out here tonight
Alright! ♫

"Well Harv, you know you shouldn't have gotten into the pit with your walker...and it seems you've had an accident" (character playing mike points to a puddle on the ground).

♪ We're gonna pass out on the couch alright
Tonight! ♫

"See what I mean? I've shit my pants too!"

Overly eager and neutrally pleasant voice of automaton-like spokesperson interrupts conversation: "Suffering incontinence? Not to worry, Depends has you covered!"

The Hellion by Judas Priest used in the Honda Odyssey commercial by grumpyncrabby

Give Praise Records is a powerviolence, fastcore, hardcore, grindcore, and metal record label and mailorder. We have been shreddin' since 2005 - and are 60+ releases strong! We have worked with Severe, Brody's Militia, Hummingbird of Death, Killed In Action, and tons more!
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